Institutionalized
A quote I like from a famous movie "The Shawshank Redemption" is
I will give the example of where it applied to me when I was in high school.
The high school life wasn't the best but still, it was somewhere I fell in place. I remember hating it when I was in 11th grade, when I regretted changing my school and also chosing relatively harder science stream as my concentration on the very first day. I hated the books, the teachers, the classmates, and everything about the new school life. I felt like changing everything to fit my level of comfort. However, there were several implications and consequences that would come with it so I just sticked to my initial decision. After some time, I started adjusting to the kind of lifestyle I had.
With time I developed the habit of waking up early, being docile and deferential with professors and socializing with my peers. Things were gradually getting better: my grades were improving, teachers respected me(I used to get yelled at in the beginning, almost everyday(every hour)..lol), and I finally had a friend circle(before I only talked to my childhood friend). However, despite all of this, my life was shit. To attain all of these things I had to grind like a horse and I hated almost everything I did.
Despite having zero interest in my course, except the Computer Science subject, I forced myself to study for close to 12 hours every day. 12 hours might sound like a lot, but considering how pitiful introductory knowledge/base I had about my course, it was inescapable, either do that or forfeit every possibility of attending a decent university, a do or die indeed.
On top of that, I had to wake up at 6 o clock, before the sunrise, in the dark, get ready within 15 minutes, and ride to school within the next 15 minutes as my first class would start at 6:30. You won't believe, how cold and unsafe it feels to ride at 80 km/hour in the dark, with limited visibility due to the fog and constantly fogging visor. I used to wear a fabric glove. Despite that my fingers used to get so cold, it would feel like 100 needles were poking me. It was almost impossible to apply the brakes in that situation. I used to chant mantras during the ride and thank god everyday for being alive(not dieing) upon arriving at the first class.
The normal school hours was long enough. On top of that, I used to take extra 3 classes, one hour each, to improve my grades. For that I had to stay in school for 4 extra hours. Usually it would start getting dark when I arrived home, with all of that traffic. I usually had 4 hours left until my bed time(10:00). In this time, I had to do all the homeworks, eat, and bed time chorus. I had close to 1 hrs for entertaiment, where I read books or talked to my girlfriend(during the period I had one).
I would be out of home or asleep. So, I rarely had anytime to eat food. On top of that I was and still am a picky eater who wouldn't eat unhealthy stuffs. So, my weight plunged to 52 kg at some point. Note: I am 5'11. That would weight made me a severely underweight skinny person.
Despite all of these hardships and pain that I endured, the occassional moments of good time I had made me feel not so bad about my situation. I enjoyed staring at every freshers(opposite gender) during the lunch breaks and between every classes. That would motivate me to some extent and act as a refresher and also a reward for studying. I also enjoyed limited attentions I got from the opposite gender, and good talks about war and history with some intellectual friends of mine in the sun. I also liked the familiarity as I would be recognized by most of the people and vice versa. That's why when the last days of school started approaching, I was really sad that all of it would end at once. I really didn't wanted to get rid of that life as I was used to it and also my happiness depended on it. I was depressed for couple of months and really wanted to stay in the school.
I was institutionalized. I shouldn't be craving for all of those hell that I went through just to get a good grade. I should be happy that I don't have to be cold, hungry, tired, and sleepless all the time. The benefit of socialization doesn't outweight all of the hardship I had to bear. I should be enjoying the added freedom and flexibility that I have in my life right now.
Life is long and dynamic process. It keep changing, and we may long to live our past one more time. Some of us may want to go back to childhood, some might want to go back to school, or to be with someone one more time. However, it is not worth it to be dreaming about it and feeling sad over its unattainability. We can't control anything other than our thoughts and we must be content with this freedom. This is the only power the god has given us and we must use it to live our life to our fullest with whatever resources that is bestowed upon us so that we wouldn't regret our actions in the future.
Now, with that Adios........
Note: even in this I haven't checked grammar, so don't mind.
"These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized."
I will give the example of where it applied to me when I was in high school.
The high school life wasn't the best but still, it was somewhere I fell in place. I remember hating it when I was in 11th grade, when I regretted changing my school and also chosing relatively harder science stream as my concentration on the very first day. I hated the books, the teachers, the classmates, and everything about the new school life. I felt like changing everything to fit my level of comfort. However, there were several implications and consequences that would come with it so I just sticked to my initial decision. After some time, I started adjusting to the kind of lifestyle I had.
With time I developed the habit of waking up early, being docile and deferential with professors and socializing with my peers. Things were gradually getting better: my grades were improving, teachers respected me(I used to get yelled at in the beginning, almost everyday(every hour)..lol), and I finally had a friend circle(before I only talked to my childhood friend). However, despite all of this, my life was shit. To attain all of these things I had to grind like a horse and I hated almost everything I did.
Despite having zero interest in my course, except the Computer Science subject, I forced myself to study for close to 12 hours every day. 12 hours might sound like a lot, but considering how pitiful introductory knowledge/base I had about my course, it was inescapable, either do that or forfeit every possibility of attending a decent university, a do or die indeed.
On top of that, I had to wake up at 6 o clock, before the sunrise, in the dark, get ready within 15 minutes, and ride to school within the next 15 minutes as my first class would start at 6:30. You won't believe, how cold and unsafe it feels to ride at 80 km/hour in the dark, with limited visibility due to the fog and constantly fogging visor. I used to wear a fabric glove. Despite that my fingers used to get so cold, it would feel like 100 needles were poking me. It was almost impossible to apply the brakes in that situation. I used to chant mantras during the ride and thank god everyday for being alive(not dieing) upon arriving at the first class.
The normal school hours was long enough. On top of that, I used to take extra 3 classes, one hour each, to improve my grades. For that I had to stay in school for 4 extra hours. Usually it would start getting dark when I arrived home, with all of that traffic. I usually had 4 hours left until my bed time(10:00). In this time, I had to do all the homeworks, eat, and bed time chorus. I had close to 1 hrs for entertaiment, where I read books or talked to my girlfriend(during the period I had one).
I would be out of home or asleep. So, I rarely had anytime to eat food. On top of that I was and still am a picky eater who wouldn't eat unhealthy stuffs. So, my weight plunged to 52 kg at some point. Note: I am 5'11. That would weight made me a severely underweight skinny person.
Despite all of these hardships and pain that I endured, the occassional moments of good time I had made me feel not so bad about my situation. I enjoyed staring at every freshers(opposite gender) during the lunch breaks and between every classes. That would motivate me to some extent and act as a refresher and also a reward for studying. I also enjoyed limited attentions I got from the opposite gender, and good talks about war and history with some intellectual friends of mine in the sun. I also liked the familiarity as I would be recognized by most of the people and vice versa. That's why when the last days of school started approaching, I was really sad that all of it would end at once. I really didn't wanted to get rid of that life as I was used to it and also my happiness depended on it. I was depressed for couple of months and really wanted to stay in the school.
I was institutionalized. I shouldn't be craving for all of those hell that I went through just to get a good grade. I should be happy that I don't have to be cold, hungry, tired, and sleepless all the time. The benefit of socialization doesn't outweight all of the hardship I had to bear. I should be enjoying the added freedom and flexibility that I have in my life right now.
Life is long and dynamic process. It keep changing, and we may long to live our past one more time. Some of us may want to go back to childhood, some might want to go back to school, or to be with someone one more time. However, it is not worth it to be dreaming about it and feeling sad over its unattainability. We can't control anything other than our thoughts and we must be content with this freedom. This is the only power the god has given us and we must use it to live our life to our fullest with whatever resources that is bestowed upon us so that we wouldn't regret our actions in the future.
Now, with that Adios........
Note: even in this I haven't checked grammar, so don't mind.
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